I think I love my wife. I look at you and say to myself, "You are everything I've ever wanted". I enjoy your enthusiasm when you want to show me something new. You giggle and I can see you becoming nervous, but I kiss your forehead and encourage you anyhow. Like the time you cut your hair by yourself. You were a little nervous, but you pulled through. I told you I loved it, but I was secretly upset. "How could she"?, I thought, but I smiled and said you looked beautiful anyway. Not sure if you believed me, but seeing your smile made everything feel right.
I think I love my wife. I appreciate you and say to myself, "Wow, she did this for me"? Of course, you don't see my appreciation because my mind is focused on something else. A simple please would be nice every once in a while, but why say please when I can say thank you and give you a kiss. Like the time you came home from work tired and still made me dinner. I was off work and enjoyed my day off and yet you still made ME dinner. I knew I was being selfish, but because you never complained, I didn't offer. I think I love my wife. I respect you and say to myself, "Look at my woman. Strong and ambitious, happy, brave and confident." You've never heard me say I respect you because I'm too busy disrespecting you. Like the time I called you a "dumbass and made you cry." I wanted to hug you and apologize, but for some reason I never did. I just told you what you wanted to hear so you'd love me again. But the truth is, I was never sorry. You see, I said I look at you and say to myself, "You are everything I've ever wanted", but honestly I wanted more and you never offered that to me. I said, I appreciate you and say to myself, "Wow, she did this for me"?, but I already expected this from you and never did it occur to me that you felt different about my expectations. Of course, you don't see my appreciation because I was focused on my needs. Not yours. You're boring.. there's no spice. There's no sex..no real charisma between us. I feel trapped with you and although I want to call it a quits and move on, I'm successful with you on my arm. My friends believe I'd be a fool to let you go. This is true, but it's too late now. You're already gone. I watched you pack your bags and leave. I never thought to stop you and I didn't care too. Am I wrong for wanting more? I know you aren't happy and I'm ok with us separating, but I'd be a fool to let you go. I always questioned your reasoning for being here, but are you here because of my love for you or am I here because of my lack of success without you? Either way, I think I love my wife.
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“I Do”. The two words that have sealed the deal! I am a married woman and Lord knows it’s about damn time. You wouldn’t believe ALL the hell I went through with my husband, bridesmaids and the overall wedding planning. I lost friends over my wedding, I even lost some bridesmaids along the way, but I did gain a new last name within the process and a couple of pounds I’m sure." Happy 1 Year Anniversary To Us! Grab some glasses, pop open the champagne bottles and let's C E L E B R A T E !!! Why? Because IT'S MY ANNIVERSARY! Yall, it's my anniversary. We made it! Thank you Jesus that we made it. Marriage is some work and I'm convinced if you aren't up for the position, don't apply. You know that saying, "The first year is usually the hardest because you are now learning about the person you're with and you have to see them through every season"? Well they weren't lying. This year has been filled with so many "ups" and "downs", and sometimes I felt the "downs" would outweigh the "ups", but through it all, WE MADE IT!! Might I add, it went by quicker than any other year we've celebrated together because of this quarantine; however this year has truly been an eye opener. I was forced to accept both my flaws and his. I was forced to listen to his feelings all while learning to control mine. I was even forced to control my character even when I didn't feel emotionally attached. Marriage forces to you grow up, well mine did at least. What makes this post so special is not just because it's my anniversary, BUT because I plan to see things in a different light. I am more open to trusting Eric's judgment which requires me to let him lead. As I'm sure he's more accepting of me completing my goals of becoming an understanding wife amongst other things. Someone said the key to marriage is remembering that when you said, "I Do", you traded in your "I" for an "US". Well it's US forever and I know God will always align our steps. Everything we lose, we gain twice as much and I thank God for never leaving our side through our relationship and now our marriage. Cheers to our twenties because it's only the beginning. I love you Eric. To many more trips around the sun. x/o Ming 💕 Today I woke up feeling different. My energy was definitely on the highest setting possible- maybe because I slept peacefully or could it have been because we made it to 11 months. I will go with the second reason. It's such a blessing because no one ever told me what it meant to be a wife. I have always been aware of my responsibilities, but you never know much until you're living through it.
What can I say about month 11? Well for starters, we haven't argued about anything. I have been taking care of my health & I haven't stopped smiling knowing that God is surely working in our favor. I'd really appreciate it if he'd move just a little bit faster, but you know God.. He moves when he sees fit so we're patiently waiting. Now, don't get me wrong, depression has tried to sweep itself in a few tie and although I haven't felt anxious since the ending of 2019, your girl has been staying prayed up honey. Makeup looks have been flowing because I stopped second guessing myself and well my writing, it's been placed on the back burner as of now because I'm working on a few upcoming projects (super excited). I'm sure you are all reading this saying, "Yeah this month has been amazing for Miss Symone" & honestly it has. Amazing? Yes. Perfect? Never. One more month to go & that's where the real fun begins. Month 12- We won't knock on your door, we're gonna bust that thing wide open. x/o Ming 💕 Marriage. The one word many run away from, the same word people enjoy living through and the only word that makes commitment worth continuing. This month has honestly been my favorite. Eric & I have been communicating more, our listening isn't completely perfect, but there has been improvement, and we've been stronger than ever. Eric and I have always known we were meant for eachother, even when it took a few people some time to get on board. I remember being told that God was clearly in the midst of our union and our marriage will not fail. People have been speaking negatively about us, but God said otherwise. I meant it when I said, " I will never leave you and I don't care how anyone feels about you."
For the past few weeks, the Devil has been attacking us and using those closest to us to get the job done, but God. This is how I know our breakthrough is coming. Everyday we face something new and we pray. We ask God to cover us with his shield, we ask God to bless us with our hearts desires and so much more. We’re definitely on our way to something amazing. I can feel it. It almost a feels as if I can touch it. We’re two months away from our 1 year anniversary and all I can do is thank God because he is truly the center of our marriage. im not worried about the nay sayers, but I do know we’re going to come out of this stronger than ever before. We’re gonna win the war. Month 11.. see you soon. x/o Ming 💕 Every morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm. “It’s 6:20am”, I say and although I would love to hit the snooze button, I can’t let the day get away from me. I stare as you are sound asleep. Your nostrils flare in and out. Your eyes batting gently as if you’re about to wake up. Your lips partially separated and I can see your front teeth. Wow you’re astonishing to watch, just a breath of fresh air my love. I glance at the time and 15 minutes have already passed. I have to get up for work. Lucky for you it’s your off day. I’m sure you have plans to go for a run, grab a bite with some friends and come back home. Just in time to have dinner ready and some alone time for us.
As I’m in the shower, I can’t stop thinking about what my day consists of. “Meeting at 9:15, Lunch with staff at 12:30, Conference call with corporate at 2:15”, I repeat. But not once did I stop thinking about you and if you’d miss me today. it’s now 7:30 and I’m headed out the door. I grab my usual coffee and donuts but today felt unusual. You smiled at me today. I caught you occasionally staring as I waited for my food. You stared into my eyes in which I felt your desire to ask me my name, but you pretended to be shy. I noticed you wore you hair back today to show you did something different. I think you had contacts on today. Was it because of me? Flattering. You added more sugar than usual in my coffee and this time you didn’t ask me for my ID when I swiped my credit card. “Hmm” I say and you just smile. I turn around and you winked at me. How could this be? You were never on my list today. I’m finally in the office. Parking was a breeze and the elevator was quicker than usual. On my desk I find stacks of envelopes, files and messages and at that point I knew what kind of day I’d be having. My first meeting was a success and then you walk in. “Who are you”, I mutter. You proceed to tell me your name, but all I hear is your laughter. Your face is flushed with red undertones. Are you blushing? No, this can’t be. You reach over me to grab paperwork and you smell so good. I can’t help but to complement you. You start playing with your hair and smirk. I chuckle in hopes you wouldn’t catch on to me, but I’m guilty. You’re just as astonishing as someone else I know however; you were never on my list today. The day is finally over and I’m home. I’m excited to share my day with you. I can’t wait to hear you laugh when I tell you all that has happened from sunrise to sundown. I see candles lit, dinner ready and you standing in your pajamas. “All of this for me”, I mumble. I see you smile. The best smile I’ve seen all day. I can imagine what your scent is. Probably something light and refreshing. Oh how I love your scent. You turn the music on and start dancing. “Wow, you have moves”, “our children will take after you I’m sure, because I can’t dance”. There’s a knock on the door and you open it. There stands someone new. You are filled with excitement. This is new for me because you’ve never felt this way about me. “How can this be”?, I ask. Just this morning I stared at you. I admired you. I protected you. I know you’re a sweet person and I know we are destined to be together. If only you knew that. If only you were my lover and not my neighbor. You see each morning I wake up and stare at you through my window imagining me being closer to you. I see you for the real you. I know you better than anyone. I face temptation everyday, but I’m married to you. I want you because you’re on my list. M O N T H 9 ! ! !
D A M N W E M A D E I T ! ! ! I know it sounds like a complete shock, but in all honesty, WE WERE MADE FOR THIS. I'm convinced we go through all we do so we can grow together. Eric and I are a lot stronger than we appear to be. I mean who else can endure these storms and pretty much survive them? I truly thank God because I honestly don't know where we'd be without him. With all that's been happening, I almost forgot to share how I feel being married into my new family. Let's be honest for a moment, some of our closest family members don't believe in US and I'm even more convinced they would rather him be married to someone else. It's no surprise that we were doubted from the beginning, but what is it about US THAT MAKES PEOPLE HAVE NEGATIVE THINGS TO SAY? It was annoying at first, damn near cringing to hear, but now it's amusing. Especially when these opinionated folk don't have a clue on what marriage is. So why be invested in mine? As a girlfriend, I was cool. I was the "pretty girl", I was "girly", and everyone was so "nice" to me. I wondered if it was because I was expected to be temporary. I mean it was said numerous of times for Eric to be careful because I was possibly entertaining other guys, plus I was planning to leave for college. On the flip side, it was a few things said about Eric as well. We all know the story, my mom had her opinions of him and it placed plenty of insecurities within our relationship. Thank God for always keeping us level headed at the end of the day because who knows where we'd be. Now, as Mrs. Lenard, there was definitely a switch. Between the various personalities to deal with along with moods, baby it hasn't been easy. There's no secret I haven't gotten along with everyone (especially Eric's sisters), some can blame it on me just as I can blame it on them, but let's be clear although I've moved passed some issues, the biggest one I can't seem to shake is the lack of respect. I'm expected to give respect, but it's not given back. How do I require this respect? Do I keep my distance? Should I just go off? There are so many questions that overwhelm my brain. I often take the "higher road" and remain quiet for the sake of my sanity. I voice my frustrations with Eric because lets be clear, there's no point in matching anyone's disrespect but it's only so much he can do at the end of the day. My mom tells me to pray and let God handle it. SO far so good, but for how long? I've never been the type to care if anyone approves of me and the idea of anyone liking me isn't something I'm one to care for, but what's so wrong with showing someone they matter sometimes. Maybe it's deeper than that, and maybe I'll go in details a little later. If you're for me, then be genuine, but if you are disrupting my peace then, it's time for you to go. Needless to say, my new family isn't terrible and I appreciate all that's been done for us but would it be real if I just painted this picture as if everything is perfect? That's not what I've been about and I won't start now. Month 10 Is Right Around The Corner.. Stay Tuned X/O Ming WE MADE IT!! 8 months in and Lord has it been something unique. I read a post that said marriage isn’t hard, it’s just the way you view things within your marriage. I smiled because I’ve always been accustomed to the idea that marriage is hard work and requires strength. Month 1 was all about change. Hell, this entire Journee has been filled with change, but it’s been so worth it.
I admit, we fell off our designed path in which I will gladly explain when the time is right however let’s focus on the positive. Last month I wrote a list on whether the good my husband brings into our marriage outweighs the bad and vice versus. Well, it does. In facts I only had about 7 bad things to say about him believe it or not. Eric is definitely amazing and I’m blessed to have him. I think what keeps us thriving is our desire for one another. I can't name a time we've ever just given up on one another. Granted in our beginning stages of being boyfriend/girlfriend- we broke up twice, because of me, but not because of anything he's ever done to me or vice versus. I'll just say wrong place, wrong time. Maybe. Anywho, I wouldn't even use that as an example because even though we broke up, we still communicated EVERY DAY. I'll never be able to say what it is about Mr.Lenard that keeps me here, but my heart knows and I always follow my heart. Month 9 we're knocking on your door. X/O Ming It amazes me on how so much of my attention is dedicated towards pleasing my husband. His needs outweigh my own and my expectations for him result in disappointment because he isn't fulfilling my expectations. Kinda selfish of me I guess. I expect him to read my mind and automatically know what I want. Somethings are obvious and well others, I'll have to voice. Either way, something has to give.
Married seven months now. Whew, five more to go and we'd be married for ONE YEAR. TWELVE WHOLE MONTHS. FIFTY-TWO WEEKS. 365 DAYS. 8,765 HOURS. 525,949 MINUTES. 31,556,952 SECONDS. You get it right? Such a milestone. Who knew marriage would have so many damn nooks and crannies. I think thats the saying. Don't quote me. Anywho, the best part about this month is me learning about accountability. So, I decided to ask myself was my marriage worth succeeding. Before you get your panties in a bunch and just begin assuming, hear me out. I asked myself this question because I felt like I didn't get the same attention I gave. I was always disappointed and clearly we are still working on listening so could you blame me? My needs are valuable too. So, I made a list. Good Vs Bad. I wrote down every good thing Eric has ever brought to me and every bad thing Eric has left me with. I also, wrote one for myself. What does Symone bring to Eric, both good and bad. It didn't take long hence, it's a no brainer for either one of us. So, does the good outweigh the bad? Guess we'll know in month 8. X/O Ming I stared at myself in the mirror and cried today. No one did anything to me, but I just cried like a baby. I think it's because I just buried my great-grandmother and can still see her casket being lifted into the wall. Saddest day of my life and honestly, I have so many questions for God. The first being, "Why"? Eric was there with me and helped me get through her funeral, but my spirit has been tainted since then. I'd be lying if I said we haven't argued about anything and though these arguments are harmless, I feel so much anger. No it's not his fault, but I have my reasons just like him. Remember how I said I am always being tested because of how irritable I am, well this month has been filled with the same test. Clearly I'm failing so why keep testing me? I'm crying as I write this because I just feel like I need someone to listen to me. To share my pain forreal instead of pretending to care. Is that so challenging? If my husband can't be there, who can I run to? For once, it'd be nice to feel like someone is on my team and let's just say I hope month 7 is way better.
Stay Tuned x/o Ming There's no telling where I'd be without my husband. I admit, these past 5 months have been filled with curiosity, laughter most nights, and petty arguments. This month; however has been different. My great-grandmother passed away two days before my birthday & Eric was there as I said my final goodbye. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. When I cried myself to sleep, Eric was right there holding me. One of the most heartfelt moments and because he was there for me, I knew he was really the love of my life. No, this wasn't the first time he had done this, BUT it was the way he had done this that made me feel at peace. They say death brings people closer. I believe this, but I've never seen this side of Eric. It was almost as if he wished he could take my pain away so he wouldn't have to see me crying. Her death will forever affect me because I know I could have done many things differently. With her funeral approaching soon, Lord KNOWS I can't handle this, but with Eric by my side, I know he will be right there with me.
Although I'd love to forget about my birthday, I can't. I am officially 23. The year of new possibilities and even newer opportunities. I'm happy or so I feel happy at the moment. Eric planned the most amazing birthday for me. He took me to the zoo and because it was my first time, I had so much fun. For once, I didn't think about our current worries nor did I think about anything negative, but I just enjoyed the moment. My cake was inspired by #ItsOnlyAJournee. It was a purple journal with butterflies and read across, "Happy Birthday Symone". It was so creative and delicious. I couldn't have been more happy. So to my love, thank you and I love you. Thank you Lord. Month 6 is coming. Let's see what it brings. Stay Tuned x/o Ming |
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