“Public Speaking
My personal thoughts are no longer private. Only because what’s in my mind I speak publicly. I no longer matter to those who once mattered to me and go figure I’m the one who’s wrong for saying I don’t care. The same terms in which they feel about me. Something has to give. I wake up frustrated because things are slowly changing however I praise God for allowing me to see any progress at all. The crazy part about all of this is that it was already revealed to me who was for me and who wasn’t...and what’s even crazier is the fact that I got mad when everything was confirmed. I thank God for allowing me to release in such a way that I did. However I haven’t released fully well to my satisfaction. So here we go. The only way I know how to release without feeling ashamed..through my writing. I’m releasing my frustration. The one that keeps me up at 3 am because I’m trying to understand why I don’t hear from my dad. Why I have to be the one to reach out and why I have to be the one to make extra steps. People kill me with that it’s a two way street nonsense because seems like I’m just making a bunch of U-Turns. 🤦🏾♀️😂 I’m releasing my sadness. The one that keeps me crying because I can’t get pregnant. Keep trying to be positive when all I can think and question is if I’m even able to have kids. If I can’t do anything else in the world, I’d love to have a baby girl. Teach her how to be happy and never allow sadness to overcome her mind. Teach her how to be strong no matter what happens. Help her grow and mold her into a beautiful woman with the LOVE of God of course. But see no one would know this because they don’t ask. I’m releasing my anger. The one that keeps me irritated because people aren’t who they portray themselves to be. The same people who will shake their ass in your living room and call your phone when they have nigga trouble. The same people who enjoy attention but can’t handle it fully because they still come to you when shit goes left. The same people you invite into your home, your mother’s home when they need a place to turn to because they feel alone. The same people who you give money to because you know they aren’t in a position to pay you back even when they can. They just choose not to. The same people who are easy to manipulate into fucked up situations and call you for help because they know you’d drop everything to be there. The same people who call you at 6am because they feel they made a huge mistake and instead of walking away, they use sex to numb their pain. The same people who need help with cars and yet rely on little boys to aid them over the ones that been there since God knows when. The same people who blow up your phone when some shit pops off however they leave you on read when you just wanna talk about your day. When you wanna talk about your sadness. Your frustration. Your pain. Your happiness. Your joys. They leave you alone to handle your burdens and feel because they give you 200 for rent or 40 for gas, they were being a friend. They feel like because they cooked in your home, they were being a friend. They feel because they came to a movie, they were being a friend. They feel because they “third-wheeled” they were being a friend. The same people who I just so happened to call my bestfriend and my sister. But silly of me to believe these people were actually on my side. So excuse me if I seem a little angry. But I’ve been lied to and I’ve been bamboozled in plenty of ways. I was tricked into believing that if I give my all into this shit of a friendship, then it’d be the same way on their part. But it wasn’t. The second that a new guy comes along, I don’t exist. Penis is what soothes the mind of the weak which is why I’m being called at 6am for pregnancy scares. Females is what keeps the attention thriving which is why I’m the one being called when females are no longer there but those same females you called your friend influenced you to fuck up someone else’s life. It’s a funny world we live in. But looks as though I have to take matters into my own hands. But when I say I don’t care about these people, I’m told to respect titles and keep in mind of who I’m referring to. But where’s my respect? Where’s my loyalty? Where’s my understanding? Where’s my ANYTHING?!.... I’m releasing my silence. The same one that keeps me on my toes when every ounce of rage is trying to overcome my soul. When I have to deal with leeches that are only good for one thing. When I have to compromise...accommodate.....give in. My silence is what saves me the most. But the curse of it is that my silence is looked as a weakness which means sometimes I have to let my rage come out. Oh but wait...then I’m told I’m being extra or I need to calm down. All because a child wants to be grown or people wanna be on some nonsense and talk to me crazy. Guess it’s just the dumbass written on my forehead. It was there from childhood and never faded away. 🤦🏾♀️😂sad case. Very sad case. But what’s even more sad is the fact” A year ago, I wrote this and as you can see I was angry. I was angry at my dad, former best friend, my husband’s sister, and at the time a 14-year-old child. 😂😂 So angry that I didn’t think about how my actions affected others (simply because I didn’t care) but mainly how they affected me. This piece was never meant to bash ANYONE then and it’s not meant to bash anyone now. THIS IS WHY I NEEDED FORGIVENESS (TRUTH BE TOLD) BECAUSE MY HEART WAS ANGRY!! Being angry doesn’t hurt anyone but yourself.. being angry doesn’t change the situation... and honestly being angry is so draining. My advice for anyone who is angry right now...is let it all go. If they don’t wanna be your friends, let them go. If you feel people aren’t supportive of you, let them go. If you feel anything other than positive energy, LET IT ALL GO!! It’s not worth it. Focus on the bigger picture at hand and that’s having peace!! X/o Ming 💕✨
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I’m so tired of apologizing to people who have caused ME the most damage. I’m tired of saying “I’m sorry” when in fact those words should be said to me. When will they be sorry? They hurt me!! They lied on me!! They took from me and abused me!! Can someone explain this to me? Anyone.
I have gone back and forth in my brain about how I would remain true to myself no matter how I had been treated. I took a stand in saying, “I would never allow this human being or any other being use me or treat me less than who I am”... and I haven’t. For the first time in my life, I decided I wasn’t going to allow anyone else take advantage of me. I was friends well close friends with ladies who seemed genuine. I was best friends with one and well the other eventually became my sister-in-law. Go figure 😂 Without going into too much detail, I was played. I was talked about and things just weren’t what they seemed. With that being said, I walked away and what I believed to be the greatest decision of my life, others had a problem with it. I was called childish, immature, and even selfish. But you know what, it’s ok. I can be whatever I need to be, but I’m not hurting anymore...and because I’m not hurting anymore, I can be the bigger person and apologize. To Kristin: Forgive Me!! I thought being mad at you and ignoring you would make things better since you made me feel like our friendship wasn’t important...but it doesn’t and will never change the fact that I love you and I want nothing but the best for you. I’m not mad at you and I won’t block my blessings my allowing things like this to happen. You put your boyfriends before our friendship. You flaked on me. You never valued our friendship until I walked away, but you were friends with everyone else. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I never judged you and I never will..I just needed you to accept me and my flaws but idk. I always supported you in EVERYTHING you pursued and yet..I couldn’t really feel yours. I’m not looking for you to respond nor am I looking for you to care but just know I pray for you and your family and whatever you decide to do in your life..I pray God blesses you tremendously. ❤️❤️ To Daizha: in order for me to move past whatever this is, I realize I have to truly forgive you for everything you’ve done to me...everything you’ve said about me..hell everything we never were to each other. I looked at you as a friend and you looked at me as some girl dating your brother. I have to also ask you to forgive me for everything I’ve felt in my heart towards you. I understand that you may never be sorry for any of your actions, but I’m ok with that. You’ve allowed many things to transpire and never said anything. Your “Bestfriend” threatened me and although I laughed about it.. I held you responsible for it. Your “coworker” switched up on me because of you and later I found out the reasons why. I keep away because things aren’t the same. Laughing with you now and knowing what has happened...I’m not sure if there’s any trust for either of us. I could be wrong but only time will tell. We had our conversation and I still stand on all I said however I pray for you and I wish you nothing but the best. And to anyone else, if I’ve ever hurt you or made you feel anything short of who you are, please forgive me. X/o Ming ✨🐝 Today is December 7,2019. A typical day in paradise and yes I am being sarcastic. The truth is...
I battle with depression and perhaps anxiety. I’m mentally exhausted today and everyday I wake up. I don’t know how to communicate these things when I don’t trust anyone and I most certainly didn’t want this post to seem so negative, but I have to stand in my truth. My depression comes from suppressing my feelings about my circumstances.. I could complain but what does that solve? Absolutely nothing. I’m not sure if I’m ready to speak on my circumstances right now, but I’m sure they will come out sooner than later. I wake up sometimes feeling like another day is just dragging by and there’s not much to do. I do my makeup to block out how I feel. During the process, everything feels back on track. I feel I’m on to something great, but once I’m finished with my look, everything goes back to normal. My mood is always numb, no matter how much I smile in my pictures or dance in my videos. My anxiety comes from God knows what...I’m gonna guess EVERYTHING!! I’m constantly battling whether to speak up against people or keep it inside to spare their feelings and so much more. I have this intense feeling in my chest (tightness mostly) and the only time it goes away is if I cry. But who wants to just cry all the time. I say I should go see a therapist, but I’m honestly unsure about it because I always assumed therapists were for people who were crazy... but I just need someone to listen and not make me feel like how I feel is crazy. I get tired of trying to get someone to understand me especially when I’m feeling damaged. This isn’t a cry for help!! I promise. I’m just being truthful. I’m sure things will work out but I have doubts. X/o Ming ✨🐝 Eventually we must choose a side, remaining gray will only lead us so far. Black and White: the beauty of life. The difference between the two are quite simple. We have the color black- portrayed as darkness, a shadow meant to hide from the light. A deathbed filled with fear. A color to be afraid of. You wear black when mourning the loss of someone or simply hiding from something. We are taught that the color black is something to be afraid of.
Whereas on the other hand we have the color white- portrayed as light, a higher being wrapped in nothing but purity. A given light that promotes “brighter days”. I believe we call that the sun. A color to embrace. You wear white when celebrating the life of someone or the beginning of something new. White brings out the innocence in a person. This is why we wear white wedding dresses and why the men wear black tuxedos. Or white we free white doves on gloomy days. It just feels right and plus it adds balance. The two mixed create gray. The color of being soft yet edgy..easy to find, but hard to work with. Meant to bring out both the dark side of you and embrace the purity within you. Teaching you to remain neutral in your life. Oh how hard it is to be gray. I embrace black and white within my photographs. I love how it captures my glow. Sometimes things are better as black and white. I view black as being intelligent, glamorous, powerful, strength, and luxury. I am a Black woman. I embody strength in everything I produce, my skin embraces my luxurious and glamorous side. I’m extremely intelligent and definitely am capable of showing power. It comes naturally for me. The color white or shall I say my white side is unique. I view white as passion, sacred, free, and intimate. I am definitely free and sacred..my passion comes from within and there’s nothing better than experiencing the light at the end of the tunnel. How do you see it? I’m back!! 😉
I know... it’s crazy for me to believe too!! Im trying to figure out how in the hell am I going to survive all of this again, but I know it’s a reason why I’m here. Might as well continue the gift. Yes, I took a break or well what I expected to be a long term vacation, because I couldn’t handle the emotions anymore. I couldn’t bare the fact my family ignored my pain (truth) and believed I was just too angry and bitter to even listen to (let alone read the) shit I said. It was my fault. Literally EVERYTHING!! 🙄 Apparently, everything I wrote was all for attention 😂 but in fact it was a cry for help. My family wouldn’t understand this because they painted this picture in their minds that I was the bad person. But I’m not even upset about it. Some people have opinions and others, well they live in complete denial...who am I to judge? You may have noticed that I deleted quite a lot of posts. Usually after writing something, I leave it all on the page and I don’t look back. For some reason, I found it to be really therapeutic to go back and read my pain (truth). I deleted most of it because I realized that I’m no longer that little girl begging to be heard. I’m no longer that guarded, well I am extremely guarded, but I’m no longer helpless I guess. I have complete knowledge of who I am now. Before, I needed someone to share my posts so that I knew someone would listen. It was never about the page views (thank you all btw) but I was hoping someone would just talk to me. I didn’t care if it were my mother, father, friend, even spouse..I just needed someone to talk to. And when I realized I was depending on something I couldn’t receive, I knew it was time to let go. So, I quit! However, NOW, I understand that I am enough and I don’t need anyone to validate my life or the choices I make. I have complete confidence in myself and my writing to know I will go far. I will no longer be afraid to share what my heart feels and I will no longer allow others to disregard my feelings. It’s about putting me first and me learning to be ok with that. All in all, I just hope you all enjoy this post and the many more to come in the future and know that I am forever grateful for those who have shared this Journee with me. #JourneeBeesForLife Thank you for all the spontaneous comments.. thank you for all the beautiful messages..thank you for the phone calls etc. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. X/o Ming 💕 |
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