For the past three years I have been busting my ass trying to find ways to create amazing content for my audience. Create something real, raw and relatable so my audience knows I mean everything I say. I've spoken about love, God, family, friends, and even wrote stories to leave them wanting more. I have stayed up many nights trying to perfect my posts, empower my black women, and have even taken it a step further with speaking on controversial topics. Hell, I've cried so many times because I didn't feel confident about what I was writing about. Of course, no one knows THIS. So why doesn't it feel like I've accomplished anything? Am I losing my mind.
What was meant to be a private diary resulted in a public healing process. And as much as I want to take the credit for this movement, I simply cannot because if it were truly up to me, there would not be a journee. I am constantly asked what I want people to get from my blog or in what direction do I want my blog to go in. A part of me wants to just laugh and say, "Stay Tuned", but I know that isn't a real answer. I don't want my blog to be just "another blogging site with no real substance", but at the same time, I need my blog to bring change to at least ONE person. Even if that one person is me. Do people really care about reading MY feelings? Is that even a real thing anymore? I'm beginning to feel as if I'm no longer interesting (and by me I mean my writing). I guess it was cool when I was expressing my hatred towards my failed parental relationship or my failed relationships in general. Sometimes I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew. Between the makeup, vlogging, and blogging and personally thinking of ways to remain positive, it's finally starting to catch up to me. I'm not upset about it, but I eventually want to be someone in life and I need to leave a legacy. BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ANYWAY? At this point, I feel stuck!
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I woke up confused this morning. My mind raced back and forth while I attempted to gather my thoughts. My alarm did its job...I was definitely alarmed. “Another day of work, don’t be late” is all I could think about. “Do I need gas? Shit get up. “ I think I suffer from anxiety but internally. When I know I have to do something, my heart begins racing and I become really nervous. I won’t show it because I always have this calm expression but inside I’m screaming. Some days I just wanna lie in bed and not think about anything or anyone except for myself. Do the things that make me happy without being too concerned with bills...my job...family on both sides.... just take time for Symone. I don’t feel I know who I am anymore. I’ve been trying my best to change, but even that is just too unbearable for some. I can’t even go back to who I once was because my spirit won’t allow me to. It’s like I know it’s wrong and just can’t well won’t do it. I’m more verbal, more open and even more angry.
Sweat dropped from my head and I could only think about how things were going to be different. There wouldn’t be anymore long lasting conversations discussing pointless topics. My heart began to ache as I thought about all the pain I would once feel once my day began. I continue to remind myself of all the reasons I should live but the one reason to die continues to surface. I don’t feel like smiling anymore and I don’t feel like crying. Sometimes sleeping isn’t enough, but my body begs for it. My mind bargains for peace and well my spirit is in despair. Here we go again, there is just something wrong with me. I’ve prayed for so many materialistic things and God provided Everytime and the one time I pray for something more meaningful, it seems like it’s taking the most time. Granted you can’t rush God, and I’m not trying to I just don’t feel like myself. My heart hurts everyday and I can’t even wear a smile to disguise the aches. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’s ok. Not the other way around. For someone to call me and say keep your head up. Not the other way around. For someone to tell me I matter and that sometimes things happen because it’s meant to be. Not the other way around. Just ready to throw something at the wall and feel satisfaction of watching it break. The same way people received satisfaction of seeing me break. Only thing...whatever I see break...can’t put itself back together the way I had to. Guess that’s the beauty of it...no matter how much you break, you can always put yourself back together right? The rage is everything that was swept under the rug for so many years...everything that peeked around the corners...everything I never said but should have. Everything I never dealt with. The list definitely goes on and I’ve learned to embrace it. All of this happened as I continued listening to my alarm beep and truthfully I thought I was about to have a mental breakdown, but instead I just lied in bed and hit the snooze button and said, “Not today Satan, not today”. X/o Ming 💕 You ever get that feeling that any time you walk into a room, all eyes are on you? You take a step back and just think to yourself, “I might actually look alright today” You picture men noticing that your hair is freshly curled and your face is perfectly contoured. Your lips are glossed to perfection. You wear tight jeans that show that hourglass figure with that floral print jacket. You think to yourself, “These men are going to love me”. You are indecisive about wearing heels or flats for the day, so you just wear your boots. You smile and say, “Yeah today is definitely going to be the day where my life changes...” and then reality hits.
You’re alone. You crave attention, but never want to look desperate. It’s almost as if you love being chased but once you’re caught you can’t handle the emotion. Why is this? No you don’t have daddy issues like many men claimed but seriously what is it about commitment that makes you afraid.....? It’s almost seems as if you’re afraid of being tied down..but you enjoy the high of being chased by men who you know won’t make you better. The bad boy is what you call him. He’s strong. He’s funny. He’s wild but he’s not the one you truly want. Date after date and still you find yourself ALONE. And one day, he appears. This strong man with passion. This grown man with a heart bigger than the sun. This marvelous being who just so happens to be the reason you take so long getting ready...because you know there’s a compliment awaiting you... “Your skin glows like the sun” or “your smell is refreshing” are what you’re in love with hearing. To the world, he’s your neighbor but to you, he’s your admirer. He’s is really handsome yet shy and has a smile that makes angels sing. His appreciation for art is what made you attracted to him and I can say it was because of Leo you gained this “confidence”. One night you come home and see a note on your door with a rose attached and it reads: “I think about you more than you know, a lot actually...just don't want to seem clingy. I want you, but can't reach you..... in every sense. Don't want to rush, but can't help to run and hide. Frustrated.... feel so.... trapped, bound, but never felt so free..I'm an old sensitive soul. Love to love, love to be loved. It's where I function best in my heart I still believe.” You smile and when you opened your door..the man of your dreams was right behind you. You think to yourself, “is this real”? But then again you’ve craved for this attention and now it’s finally yours. Just don’t f#!k it up. x/o Ming 💕 |
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May 2020
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