Before I was a young girl, but now I am a woman. I was once viewed as a creature, but today I am respected as a role model. The strength modeled in my stance shows the world that I am powerful. You believed I wouldn't be anything other than a fictional character who had really ....no identity. You envisioned me as being too loud but really it was the boldness of my words that made you afraid of me. And to think it was me who was afraid of you. I remember hearing you say it was because of the way I spoke, you couldn't trust me. And to think I wanted to be perfect for you so that others would accept me. It was almost as if my intelligence was just too damn intelligent for you. It was almost as if you forgot it's because of you, I'd even gotten this far. We can't forget how as a child, you'd underestimate my ability to think for myself. A child had no place thinking for themselves and I always believed this. Granted I was a child then, but now as a woman, I pack a mean punch. It's my existence that makes you cringe and it honestly has NOTHING to do with what I've ever done to you, but what you didn't believe I could learn.
As a child, my skin bothered you. My hair angered you. My existence betrayed you because you didn't expect me to make it this far. Just like many, I was expected to die and yet I'm still here. I'm a woman now. Remember how you questioned me about my smile, the fullness of my lips, the radiance of my skin? Remember the days where I stood in the mirror and didn't believe I was worthy enough because of the image you compared me with. You know the images. Images of young, big-breasted women with light skin and small lips. The girls you called, "trophies". It hurt me before, but you see I was a child then with many questions. However, I'm a woman now with all the answers. I've given you so much power before, but now I know my worth. I embrace my beauty and each day I step foot front in a mirror, I recognize everything I believed you hated about me and embrace it because I know it meant something. You meaning society. The place that has corrupted the minds of young girls..portraying this image of what "beauty" is suppose to look like, The place that separated us women and created a great deal of jealousy. I can go on and on. All I will say is that I will no longer deal with the foolish entities that society has tried to place upon me. I'm far waaaay to beautiful for that. x/o Ming
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I was born February 24, 1997. I'm not sure if the day was gloomy and cold or sunny and hot, but I'd love to believe I brought a smile to my mother's face for two reasons. The first being, she was finally not in pain anymore and second because I was finally here. Her first born. I remember seeing my birth thinking to myself, "wow, my mom really pushed an entire human out her womb". It's quite astonishing to see what women can do with their mind, body and soul.
Growing up, I envisioned my mom as my superwoman. She was strong, she was confident, and she wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. Her strength consisted of her ability to overcome any negativity whereas her confidence seeped through her demeanor implying she knew who she was whether anyone recognized her or not. And usually, almost everyone recognized her. Her fierce attitude was astonishing because I've NEVER heard her say she was afraid to do anything or of anyone. Now you see why she was my super woman? However it didn't occur to me (until I became an adult), that she was just trying to find herself. I reflect on past situations and recognize that her strength was a cover up- she allowed certain people to manipulate her mind and otherwise convince her to conform to who they believed she should be. Her confidence was more of a "I think I am" vs " I know I am" forcing her to believe she wasn't as beautiful as she would hope to be because her skin was chocolate. Now, the kicker is her fierce attitude. Don't get me wrong, that was never a facade, but my mom had a way of showing she didn't care publicly, but privately letting her emotions get the best of her. And because I know this now, I question why I never knew before. I didn't have any siblings as a child, I only had my mom. I witnessed her tears, her defeats and most importantly, her success. I saw how she allowed her defeats to get the best of her and it deeply affected me. I listened as she was bad mouthed by our family members. As children we don't understand what our parents face until we are dealt the same cards. And even then, it's still a little different. Because I expected to somehow avoid the same mistakes my mom made, I realized I was no different from her as she was to her mom who was no different from hers. The women in my family are aggressive, push men away and end up alone. Yes, I'm married, but if I am just like them, will I end up alone? Call it a generational curse if you will, but at this point, I'm filled with questions. There was a point in time where covering up my emotions were necessary. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't feel like communicating and as long as I kept quiet publicly, I didn't need to worry about anything. I saw my mom do this. My confidence didn't exist because the reality of me being too chocolate caused insecurities. I was never called "beautiful" or "pretty" while growing up so building my confidence wasn't a priority. I learned this from my mom. My strength wasn't real. It was nothing more than bitterness and anger because I enabled others to become comfortable to control me- including my mom. I learned to enable this because it was comfortable for my mom. Now, lets be clear. I'm not implying my mom is just this horrible woman because clearly I stated she was my superwoman; however I see I'm no different from her. I'm extremely sensitive, I can often times be judgmental, I am not accepting of my wrongdoings, etc. I'm 23-years-old and decided I will be better than what I witnessed as a child, better than what I listened to, and better than what I allowed to happen to me. Communication is key to forming any kind of relationship. We form relationships to conquer support emotionally, physically, and financially- to build connections. Things have change with my mom and I. I’ve accepted her for who she is and I learned to not feel anything other than love for her. She is who she is and I am who I am, but that will never stop me from loving her as my mother! I’ve learned that having a daughter is like creating a replica of yourself, you think you’re cranky and moody? Wait till she arrives and gives you double for the trouble. But hey like mother like daughter. |
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May 2020
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