I tried to kill myself today. I imagined my lifeless body lying on the floor while my soul went elsewhere. I pictured my blood staining every fiber in the carpet, every wall splattered, every room cold and my mom finding me....dead.
I couldn’t take it anymore. Do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and question whether you really wanna go because you just don’t want to fight? Or be pushed around? I couldnt take it anymore. Isn’t that usually what people say when they’ve had enough? Isn’t that usually when people care enough to listen...the day you say, “I couldn’t take it anymore?” I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t find the light at the end of the tunnel. I was so angry because things didn’t seem to work in my favor. I was constantly telling myself that things will get better however little did I know they were only getting worse. I mean how was I suppose to know I’d lose my job...or my car... my life all in the same week? I mean was I suppose to know this would happen to me? I’m thankful I didn’t have kids because I couldn’t risk losing them too. I know I’d find someway to screw things up anyway..but then again I’m just a kid myself. I’m only 9 and I’m sitting on my bed saying, “I can’t take it anymore”. My heart aches and no matter how much I smile or laugh, I can feel pieces of me ripping apart. I can feel my heart deteriorating slowly. It hurts to move anywhere because I’ve become so accustomed to being left behind. Kids teased me and teachers didn’t even pay attention to it. My glow is dull. My mind has been manipulated by men and women whom I believed loved me. I tried to be brave for those watching me. I’ve cried out to everyone long enough and yet I managed to get here. Whose to say I don’t put a bullet in my heart to stop the pain. Or maybe I should down this bottle just to numb my soul... Or maybe I can just sleep it off with some of my moms pain pills. I already feel as though my spirit is gone and yet I’m still here suffering....BUT NOT ANYMORE. Today, I’m free from the bullying. Free from the loneliness. I’m free from the heartaches of the world. Today, I’m finally free so I thought. As I stood in the bathroom with that sheet tied around my shower rod... I was prepared for anything. The first attempt, the sheet untied when I stood on the tub, so I tied it again. The second attempt..I couldn't get the other end of the sheet to wrap around my neck meaning I wouldn’t naturally hang. After that, I stood in the mirror and said “Pills”! The third attempt, I grabbed the pill bottle but I couldn’t open it. Go figure. Finally, I grabbed a knife and because I didn’t know what to cut, I scraped my hand, but there was no blood. I promise I pressed that knife against my skin as hard as I could. Nothing worked and I was angry, but 14 years later...I’m still here. x/o Ming 💕
15 Comments
As I placed my hand over my mouth..I felt this weight pounce around in my chest. It felt like I couldn’t breathe as my heart began racing. I couldn’t move. Paralyzed and for once I didn’t mind that feeling. What’s even crazier is the fact I even remember that same exact feeling I had growing up. I stared at the picture long and hard. And all I could do was cry. I saw a smile but behind it were full of scars. Emotional bruises that created a wall. That created guards full of defense. Guess you can say this is my reasoning for being DEFENSIVE. She took the picture and that very same day she was picked on. Every night I cried myself to sleep so that when I woke up I didn’t have to remember anything other than the fact it was a brand new day. Didn’t have to feel anything. I cried so hard one night I couldn’t see the next day..wore glasses in class. It seems like I have random moments where if I close my eyes for too long I have some type of flashback. Whether it be something that happened to me yesterday or something that happened a decade ago. Just seems to always creep up and hit me when i least expect it. I question myself sometimes trying to understand what is exactly going on. Not only with me but with this oh so NOT wonderful world I’m living in. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m living..but I’m just trynna keep from dying and let’s just say there’s only so much i can physically do to keep that promise.
Scared to be my own woman. Only because society has formed its own opinion of me. If I lose my virginity before marriage, I’m a disappointment. Having children before marriage takes away from furthering my education. Certain privileges that just so happen to be a gift from God become nonexistent when you’re living with someone of the opposite sex..who just so happens to be your boyfriend. Well in this case. Seems like my writing is censored. If I speak how I feel, it’s hurts you. Well I believe it hurts you but I’m still holding on to it so who’s really hurting? But let’s do this...I’m tired of being silent. I’m tired of pretending like smiling helps me heal. I felt like suppressing things were my only option. When I looked at that picture it just reminded me of everything most children are going through now. However nothing worked for me in ways that it worked for them. And let’s say I’m the lucky one. Lost in my pathway. Only because I’m trying to uplift all the negative areas in my life. Blinded. Indeed i am. Crying out to my God for help and still I’m lost in my pathway. The trees don’t blow in the wind anymore because I failed to keep my faith alive and the birds don’t sing anymore because I lost my voice. The flowers can’t grow anymore because my seeds were never planted. I stopped walking. Why?! because I was scared to be my own woman. Numb in my mind. Only because I can’t think about what’s bothering me anymore. Can’t allow my personal thoughts to dictate whether I should change the woman I’m hopeful of becoming or continue prancing from the woman who’s afraid of losing me. Only time will tell. Xo Ming 💕 Now that I know what kind of girls you like I notice I'm nothing on that level. Today is October 5, 2018. I stood in the mirror and finally decided to take a good look at myself. I wanted to see what was so different about me that made you decide it was time for me to be apart of your life. You know the saying, “LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT”? I questioned if you truly believed in that or was it just something you’d tell all your girls. “Stop Symone” is all I’d whisper, but it was something in my chest that made me stand in that mirror and just stare at all of my imperfections. But why were they imperfections, why couldn’t they be undiscovered beauties. Hell guess that’s just me being me. My hair isn't super long but it's curly. My skin isn't light but it's just as soft. Why do I always feel like I have to be what you want? Why can't I just be enough by being myself? I don't wear braces anymore but I know you like girls who wear them. So once again why don't I feel like being myself is enough for you?
Seems like I'm waiting around for you to tell me I'm the only reason you wake up in the morning. (Metaphorically speaking) Seems like I'm waiting around to hear you tell me you can't live without me. Am I confused or is this what WE ALL WANT TO HEAR? Seems like I'm waiting to hear I'm the only girl in this world that matters. Seems like I'm waiting to hear you're beautiful..whether it be bc I'm wearing makeup or bc I just wiped it off. Not for me to hear that I look like a mummy from fright fest. How am I suppose to feel like I'm enough for you if you can't even tell me I'm enough. But then again these are just some of the things I expected and waited for but honestly I can't keep expecting && I'm for damn sure won't be waiting much longer. I’d be lying if I said you never told me I was beautiful. I’d be lying if I said you never did most of what I asked. But when I stood in that mirror and really saw the girl you loved..I wasn’t too sure if that was enough anymore. Enough for who? I’m glad you asked..enough for me. So for now I'm smiling and believing in my heart that I'm enough for me. I should have done that from the beginning. Never understood why I felt like I had to compete for your attention. Oh come on let’s not pretend as if I haven’t tried talking to you about something babe and your mind is elsewhere. I mean we both do it and there’s no other way to see it. Kinda feels like I’m being ignored and we both know that just escalates to something viscous. I ask myself, “Shouldn't I already have it? Doesn't feel like it”. Why should I have to ask you to lay with me when I'm feeling sad? I guess it's because I know you're gonna play the game. But I’d be lying if I said you’ve never done this before. Yes, you’ve laid down with me and we’d fall asleep for hours. I’m sure adding a but to that last sentence would have stirred the pot so I’ll just say however...who’s to say that enough for either of us anymore? I don't know who I am sometimes. Well I know who I am to YOU, but who am I to MYSELF. I try to be so amazing to the point to where I change my hair to a style I know you'd like just to see you stare at me and smile and say how beautiful I look. But for what? Why do I do this? What are we doing anymore? Why are we here? I just want to love you more than you've ever been loved. I just want to be love the way you helped me believe it even existed. Dont get it twisted it’s just me overthinking and that ultimately killed my happiness Ming 💕 |
AuthorLove Me or Hate Me...My Story Will Live!! Archives
May 2020
Categories |