“Why Make Me Feel Like Your Love Was Punishing Me?”, was the last question I asked before moving on with my day. I begged and pleaded with you to listen in hopes that you would help me, but you were too afraid to.
Growing up I needed someone to save me. I needed someone to protect me from the world. So I looked to my father, but he ignored me. I expected someone to nurture me so I cried out to my mother, but she was too busy. I wanted to feel free at some point in time, so I watched the families on tv thinking they were perfect. I needed someone to save me from all the headaches. From the heartache. So I looked to my pastor, but Jesus needed him for something bigger. I was vulnerable for such a long time that growing up...I felt crying was a sign of weakness. It had to be because no one listened to my tears, they only cared for my strength. Being vulnerable wasn’t going to help me so I hid my feelings. Growing up I needed guidance. Not just from boys or school, but for myself. I needed to know what it meant to be happy within myself. What it took a woman to go through before she finally saw her worth and value. I needed help with confidence. I just needed to feel beautiful at some point. I needed to believe that no matter how I looked, my heart would reveal itself. I needed me. The woman I am today is all because of my experiences. I’ve experienced trauma (bullying, depression, suicidal attempts) and used that to keep me grounded. I’ve felt so alone and I’ve felt so shattered because each time I’ve looked in the mirror, I’ve felt unwanted. Beauty was something that as a young girl.. mattered to me. Everything had to be perfect. Everything had to be worth looking at. I had to be looked at. But the woman I am today...let’s just say I am astonished by my actions. I’ve accomplished many tasks because of the God I serve. Each morning I wake up I remind myself that I’m ok and nothing can stop me... I needed me and now I’m here. 💕💕
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AuthorLove Me or Hate Me...My Story Will Live!! Archives
May 2020
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