I woke up confused this morning. My mind raced back and forth while I attempted to gather my thoughts. My alarm did its job...I was definitely alarmed. “Another day of work, don’t be late” is all I could think about. “Do I need gas? Shit get up. “ I think I suffer from anxiety but internally. When I know I have to do something, my heart begins racing and I become really nervous. I won’t show it because I always have this calm expression but inside I’m screaming. Some days I just wanna lie in bed and not think about anything or anyone except for myself. Do the things that make me happy without being too concerned with bills...my job...family on both sides.... just take time for Symone. I don’t feel I know who I am anymore. I’ve been trying my best to change, but even that is just too unbearable for some. I can’t even go back to who I once was because my spirit won’t allow me to. It’s like I know it’s wrong and just can’t well won’t do it. I’m more verbal, more open and even more angry.
Sweat dropped from my head and I could only think about how things were going to be different. There wouldn’t be anymore long lasting conversations discussing pointless topics. My heart began to ache as I thought about all the pain I would once feel once my day began. I continue to remind myself of all the reasons I should live but the one reason to die continues to surface. I don’t feel like smiling anymore and I don’t feel like crying. Sometimes sleeping isn’t enough, but my body begs for it. My mind bargains for peace and well my spirit is in despair. Here we go again, there is just something wrong with me. I’ve prayed for so many materialistic things and God provided Everytime and the one time I pray for something more meaningful, it seems like it’s taking the most time. Granted you can’t rush God, and I’m not trying to I just don’t feel like myself. My heart hurts everyday and I can’t even wear a smile to disguise the aches. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’s ok. Not the other way around. For someone to call me and say keep your head up. Not the other way around. For someone to tell me I matter and that sometimes things happen because it’s meant to be. Not the other way around. Just ready to throw something at the wall and feel satisfaction of watching it break. The same way people received satisfaction of seeing me break. Only thing...whatever I see break...can’t put itself back together the way I had to. Guess that’s the beauty of it...no matter how much you break, you can always put yourself back together right? The rage is everything that was swept under the rug for so many years...everything that peeked around the corners...everything I never said but should have. Everything I never dealt with. The list definitely goes on and I’ve learned to embrace it. All of this happened as I continued listening to my alarm beep and truthfully I thought I was about to have a mental breakdown, but instead I just lied in bed and hit the snooze button and said, “Not today Satan, not today”. X/o Ming 💕
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May 2020
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